Choices We Make
by Honor Reid
Summary: Natalie and Adrian's son becomes ill. Monk doesn't handle it well.


This story was written for the LJ comm **older_not_dead**. Also for **stories_a_z** prompt C.

Many thanks to my beta for this story Syberian Quest, who was awesome and helped me greatly, any remaining mistakes are my own. Disclaimer: I do not own Monk or the characters.

* * *

Natalie woke with a start, her heart beating faster than was truly comfortable. Staring into the darkness she stretched her arm to the side expecting to find Adrian but feeling cold bed sheets instead. Fully turning over she saw an empty space where her husband should have been. Glancing at the bedside alarm clock Natalie saw it was little past two in the morning. Sitting up and shivering slightly in the evening air, Natalie walked to the wooden crib at the far side of the room. Reaching in, she gently laid her hand on her little one's forehead and was pleased to feel that he was still cool to the touch. Asa's fever had finally broken earlier this evening much to his exhausted parent's relief.

To say Asa had been a surprise was putting it mildly. Natalie had thought her fertile days were behind her, so when she hadn't had her period in couple months she was far from worried; it had happened before and just assumed it was due to menopause. But then the nausea had started and it reminded her a bit too much of being pregnant with Julie. So off she went to the drug store which confirmed her growing suspicion. At 43 years old Natalie was pregnant. In shock she sat in their kitchen and waited for Adrian to come home from wrapping up a case with Captain Stottlemeyer.

Adjusting the humidifier they were using to help ease the baby's congestion, Natalie remembered her worry over telling Adrian that they were to be parents. They had never talked about it, both assuming it wasn't an issue due to her age. It was true Monk had been in shock for a couple of days, but he had also radiated an astonished joy whenever he had looked at her. Then in true Adrian Monk fashion, he had gone out and bought every baby book he could find. Their house had ended up completely baby proof within a week. The name Asa, although fairly unusual, fit their family perfectly: they had wanted to continue Adrian's mother's tradition of "A" names, and the fact that it was a palindrome was perfect for her husband's sense of balance.

Running her fingers lightly over Asa's curly brown hair and looking down at what they had dubbed their little miracle, Natalie could tell he was still slightly congested but on the road to recovery. In his eight months here on earth it was the first time Asa had become ill. The fever and congestion had come on suddenly a couple of days ago, after a delightful day spent at Ambrose's house. They had quickly taken the baby to urgent care, worried at the sudden change in health. The doctor there had assured them it was simply the flu and that all they could do was try to make little Asa as comfortable as possible and wait for the virus to run through his system.

Her husband had been almost overcome with worry but had coped by going into overdrive with cleaning. In between cleaning sprees, Adrian had made sure Asa and Natalie had everything they needed; he went out and bought infants' Tylenol and a brand new top-of-the-line humidifier (as his was a few years old and he said Asa needed the best). He had also cooked all the meals and made sure Natalie had everything she needed while she took care of a very sick baby.

Natalie had been so preoccupied with taking care of Asa, it had taken her a full day to realize that although Adrian made sure they didn't need anything he hadn't spent any time with the baby since their dash into urgent care. Her first thought was that it was because of his fear of catching Asa's flu, and that had made her a little bit angry with him. Natalie knew that although Adrian had made huge strides in overcoming his phobias, they tended to crop up during times of great stress. She was worried about her husband but didn't have the energy to think about it, so she shoved the worry to the background and vowed to deal with it later.

She was worn out because Asa would sleep for brief periods of time before waking up upset and bad-tempered. Thanks to the congestion, he also wasn't eating very much; Natalie would try to nurse him, only to have him eat for a minute before he would start to cry, due to the fact that he was unable to eat and breathe at the same time. This went on and on until he would exhaustedly fall asleep only to wake up a brief time later to start the cycle all over again. Thankfully, earlier this evening Asa had finally been able to breathe through his nose enough to nurse and had fallen asleep with a full tummy. Knowing it was time to face the situation with Adrian, Natalie ran her finger down her son's soft cheek one last time and went to find her wayward husband.

Quietly closing the door behind her, Natalie walked swiftly down the hall, first checking the kitchen, then moving to the living room, sighing softly at the sight that greeted her when she entered. Natalie leaned up against the back wall as she watched Adrian using disinfect wipes to wipe down the furniture for the third time in as many days.

"Adrian..," Natalie said gruffly, trying to get her frantic husbands attention; when that didn't work she tried a bit louder, "ADRIAN."

Not getting any response, Natalie walked over and gently placed a hand on his shoulder, then jerked back when he jumped at her touch and whirled around in surprise.

"Natalie, you scared me," Adrian said a touch out of breath; he had been so into cleaning the coffee table he hadn't heard his wife. As his heart started to slow down, he began to wonder why she was up so late.

"Are you ok?" he asked before worriedly looking past her to their bedroom. "Is it Asa?" Not waiting for an answer, he started down the hall only to be stopped when Natalie tugged on his sleeve.

"Sweetheart, he's fine," Natalie said, a tired smile on her lips. "I was actually looking for you. What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Adrian asked evasively. He knew exactly what she meant but he really didn't want to talk about it. Avoiding his wife's gaze he frantically looked around, only to lock in on the fact that the hallway lampshade was crooked.

"What do I mean?" Natalie asked incredulously. "I am talking about your cleaning spree at 2:30 in the morning." Seeing the shadows under her husband's eyes and the compulsive way he was currently straightening a lampshade, she gently laid her hand on top of his to get him to stop twisting the shade, and said, "I'm just worried. Please, Adrian, tell me what's going on with you."

"It's nothing..," Adrian started to say before glancing up and finally meeting Natalie's gaze. Seeing for the first time how worried she really was, he sighed softly because Adrian didn't really want to burden her with his fears and insecurities, but couldn't resist when she looked at him like that. She always looked at him so tenderly.

So with much trepidation he said, "I've failed you, failed Asa, I'm sorry." Seeing his wife's confusion, he continued, his voice low in self-recrimination. "I let my guard down, I allowed myself to relax."

Natalie still didn't understand. "What do you mean you've relaxed?" she asked in confusion.

Taking her hand he said, "Let me show you something," before leading Natalie over to her laptop, which was open and in sleep mode, on the kitchen table.

Running his fingers over the mouse pad to wake the laptop up, Adrian brought up the article he had read earlier. "Look here," he said a bit frantically, pointing at the screen. Natalie looked and saw an article about the growing worry over this year's flu season.

"According to this article, children have died from this version of the flu. Asa could have been one of them, all because I let my guard down." Adrian continued as he gestured to his cleaning supplies he had been disinfecting the living room with. "Don't you see? I haven't been cleaning as much. I failed both of you."

Natalie couldn't believe what she was hearing. It was true that Adrian didn't obsessively clean as much as he used to, but their house still had to be the cleanest house in all of San Francisco, so she said in a fierce tone she said, "You have _never_ failed me and you certainly haven't failed the baby."

Placing her hand on his cheek and raising his head until his eyes met hers, she saw not only worry but fear, the kind of fear that goes to your very core and robs you of your ability to think rationally. That was when Natalie finally understood it wasn't really about the germs; it was about the fact that cleaning was a way for Adrian to feel he had control of the uncontrollable. What he was really afraid of was losing the people he loved, like he had lost his mother and Trudy.

Trying to reassure Adrian, Natalie said, "You are a great father; you have never let Asa down. It is okay to be scared of losing him, but don't let fear keep you from him."

Monk placed his hand over hers and leaned against it, closing his eyes and trying to take to heart what she was saying. Adrian knew she was right; he _was_ allowing his fears steal him from his son, so taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes. Tears blurred his vision as Monk drew his wife into an embrace and he buried his face against her neck as he held her tightly.

Natalie hugged her husband back just as forcefully, moving her hands up and down his back, trying to give him some comfort. A cry from the bedroom alerted her to the fact that Asa was awake; breaking away from Adrian, she took his hand and led him to the bedroom. Stopping at the crib she picked up their son and placed him into Adrian's arms. Yawning widely, Natalie could barely keep her eyes open, so she moved over to the bed and lay down.

Looking at their son, Adrian moved over to the rocking chair. Sitting down, he gently started to rock Asa back to sleep. Taking in the brown curly hair and the sleepy brown eyes that were already starting to close, Adrian forced himself to relax.

There was a part of him that wanted, no _needed_, to continue to clean, that whispered it still wasn't quite right, that he must have missed a spot. But he knew that if he got up and continued to clean, he would miss out on something even more important this moment with his family, and that was worth more to him than anything else.

Adrian had a choice to make. Looking down at Asa, Monk realized it was a simple one, so he ignored the whispering voice inside his head, and continued to rock his son to sleep.


End file.
